His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
