I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
