Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
