Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
