Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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