somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Vodka?
Forever.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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