Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
