wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dignity is for republicans.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
