His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
