I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
