I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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