It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
