careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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