The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
