I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
two words...techno handjob
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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