just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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