Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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