don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
