this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
