he wants to bone in the snuggie
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
