i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
