seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
