My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
