yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
