Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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