He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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