i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
