Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
