wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
