You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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