What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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