I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
