also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
