if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
