Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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