Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
