we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Is it penis luge time yet?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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