Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
