I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
