yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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