Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
