I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
