i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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