"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
