I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yo dont text me then not text me
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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