I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
