I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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