I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
