Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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