Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You ate ashes out of my bong
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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